No, But He’s a Good Guy

Recently I was thinking back to how many times a man, often in a leadership position of some sort, had reassured me that another man that I had a bad or weird interaction with was, in fact, a “good guy”. I’m betting most of you reading this don’t need me to provide an example because it’s so common place.

Or maybe it’s just me?

I'd love to understand why men, in particular, seem to do this.

If a man is a jerk in an interaction, it’s ok to say he’s being a jerk. If he’s being selfish, mean, manipulative, bitter, ignorant, etc. it’s ok to call out what he’s doing for what it is. I would hope we can all understand that the one interaction doesn’t define him, but I don’t need some reassurance that he’s “a good guy” in that moment.

• “He shouldn’t have said that… but he’s a good guy at heart.”
• “He probably regrets doing that… but he’s a good guy deep down.”
• “He’s not usually like that… he’s usually a good guy.”
• “No yeah he’s a really good guy. It’s so weird that he’d say that out of nowhere?”

(That last one is for the Canadian readers out there... no.. yeah... right?)

Why do you feel the need to make sure another guy is thought of as a "good guy"? It’s possible he’s not actually a good guy, but just presents his best side to you because you’re a person in leadership.

It feels like it’s part of some sort of locker room bro code where we as men need to give fellow men the benefit of the doubt because… you know… it’s hard for a man out there today.

That’s some patriarchal bullshit. Get rid of it.

If he’s a “good” guy, then I’ll figure that out by his words and actions in the future. But right now, based on this interaction, he’s not been a good guy.

Some alternatives responses instead of “…but he’s a good guy” could be:

• He’s being quite defensive and unreasonable. I’m not sure why?
• He recently went through a lot of stuff in his family, but that’s still no excuse for treating you like that. That's a real jerk move.
• He said some really hurtful things to you. Do you want help talking to him about that? I don’t think it should be left alone, but we can talk about how to approach it.
• What a jerk. That guy’s being a real potato. Wanna go for a beer?