Am I Telling Myself the Wrong Story?
This tweet, as the kids say, hit me right in feels:
The only thing standing between you and making your ideas happen is story that you tell yourself about why you can't do it.
I've never been diagnosed with depression, nor have I had the opportunity to talk to a therapist about it, but I know I struggle with some form related to my work and creative output. Today I'm really struggling with the idea that what I do is pointless, that my work through Lemon Productions is just a hack job. That the podcasting I'm doing is dumb.
When I'm in a bad place mentally, it's hard to tell myself a better story. I can't hear the good thoughts over the voice in my head telling me that I suck. That I'm never going to amount to anything. That I should just pack it in, quit, try to find a job, and stop dreaming of doing something I love for a living. Nobody wants me to do it so stop lying to myself. "They" think I'm stupid for doing it.
The idea that, at least for me, I need to just tell myself a better story and all will improve makes me want to punch the wall. If I could just think different, I would. I don't enjoy feeling this way. I certainly don't enjoy wallowing in it. I want to go all in. I want to be positive and assume that the video I'm making, the website I'm building or the podcast I'm recording is going to be awesome and who cares what anyone might think.
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I don't share this kind of thing lightly. I prefer to keep these thoughts in my head or in a private journal. But occasionally I've found it helpful to talk more openly - if only to get the thoughts out of my head and into the world so they lose their power over me.
I have made it a personal mission in 2014 and beyond to be more honest and authentic in whatever I attempt to do online. Not that I've been lying about things, but I've certainly held back because of fear. I feel if I'm going to do something as personal as podcasting - talking into someone's ear on a daily or weekly basis - or blogging, I'd better be myself rather than trying to be someone I'm not.